Why?

It is the kind of happiness that grins when things go wrond and smiles thrugh the tears. The happiness for which our souls ache is one undisturbed by success or failure, one which will root deeply inside us and give inward peace and contentment, no matter what hte surface problem may be. That kind of happiness stands in need of no outward stimulus. -Billy Graham


I wish I could explain the depths of heartache I've experienced since I've arrived here in the new mission field God has given me. I can look back now at the months before and see how God was preparing me and strengthening my resolve. But you kind of have to wonder what God is doing with it all.

I stood in our kitchen this Tuesday holding the shoulder of one of my closest new friends here as she wailed from the loss of a dear family member. It was heartbreaking to hear her pain.."Why God? Why does the sorrow of life keep coming? Why do you have to take my family away? Why so much loss? Why us?" I could almost visually see her reaching up for her faith and holding onto a small peg of hope while she was dangling from her trial. I could feel heaven rejoice though, as she spoke through her tears, "But I will hope in you, Lord". I felt my own brokeness so fresh and raw that it was easy to weep with her. And I too was tracing in my head the events of the last 3 months of my own life. I've never experienced more death, change, sorrow and uncertainty so close together. I've never felt so overcome by so many things all at once and I have to ask "why?". Why so close to my new beginning here? What is God doing....?

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing great now and even the small inconveniences feel so minor compared to the valley I've come out of. My mother said I asked so many questions as a child that she started making up answers....I think I always have been wired to need to know, "why". But God often does not provide answers for it all. He just ask's us to hold his hand and try to say, "But I will hope in you, Lord" I've been memorizing these verses and looking for his daily expressions of love....his love is deep.

Eph 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father...I pray that he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, may have power, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.