There and Back again!

Henri Nouwen once said, "It is a great illusions of leadership that we can lead people through the desert without having been there ourselves."

I feel like I've been through the desert. The last couple of weeks have been some of the darkest days I have had in a long time. I've experienced death and loss, made a huge life change and haven't felt like I've had a safe place anywhere in the world. I had some evenings I seriously thought about sleeping under my desk...it felt safer than any other place in my world. And the question still remains, "Is God really enough when you feel like you have nothing or no one else?"

At times I have felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion and could not even tell you why I felt like I did. It seemed like I had one foot tied to a weight pulling me deeper and deeper into an abyss. It was real and at times it was spiritual attack. However, from this end I can tell you it was also the Lord showing me the depth of his love. You see, we can't know that depth unless we are desperately aware of our own need of it...until we come face to face with our own basic need to do everyday things. When that is not even possible apart from Christ, you start to cry out in a desperation that is different from a request from someone who has it all together. And what I found at the bottom of my metaphoric sea was that Jesus was down there with me...he felt the weight of it all with me and understands grief and stress and heartache. He even understands my heart when I have no clue what is happening inside me. He knows what I need and where it all ends up. His love for us is measureless...and I have a sweeter view of it after being on the bottom. "Not that I have laid hold of it but I press on".
I wrote this song and thought I'd share it with you.

I hear his voice as I listen to the wind blow through the pines
I hear his voice as I hear the sound of my own broken cry
I hear his voice as I struggle to know all the reasons why
I don’t know but I just feel like I could die

Where are you Lord, you feel so far away
Where are you Lord, I need your touch today
Where are you Lord, Bring me back to you my friend
Where are you Lord, Restore my heart again

I hear his voice as I’m sifting through the darkness of this space
I hear his voice as I strain to see the goodness of his grace
I hear his voice as I try to find new life in this place
When I feel like there is nothing else that’s safe