Just a little off!

If you have a minute watch this video by John Piper. It's about how preaching today is often distracted by passing trends instead of preached in the power God designed it to be. http://ow.ly/IBVD
Ironically, I found this site after listening to a podcast by a popular preacher about how messed up "The Shack" was. He had some points I agreed with but to use the Sunday morning message to preach an agenda instead of God's word was curious to me...I wasn't sure what I thought about it....it just seemed a little off....you know like when you can tell something is not right but your not sure why. I think that the more we walk in the Spirit the more we learn to recognize things that are "just a little off". And let's face it, we live in a world where we are surrounded by "just a little off" till we have come so far from truth, morality and holiness that we can't really recognize how off we are.
I remember entering college with a bit of a cold heart toward God's word. I knew I wanted to know God but sometimes understanding his word was just too much work. I would sit down for a quiet time and not really get much out of it. So as I went into Bible school my main prayer was "God teach me to love your word". And with that simple prayer the Lord has given me not just a love for it but a need for it like I need food and water to sustain me. God's word is TRUTH. And we are lacking truth today. It get's muddled up with tolerance and fluffy "Norman Vincent Peale" kind of beauty that tricks the average searching heart into being filled up with lies that seem like truth.
I think young people today are most susceptable to it too. They grow up in a school where homosexuality is tolerated because it's the same as accepting someone wiht another ethnicity. They are surrounded by filthy language, dark music and sexual immorality left and right. And it's true for young people all around the world...even in poor countries. Our standards have changed and as young people today we need to be even more adament about knowing how to recognize a truth from a lie. We must walk in the Spirit and be alert when things seem "just a little bit off".

Dark and Twisty

There are some days in this life that just don't seem to be as bright and shiny as other days. Sometimes days feel more dark and twisty than bright and shiny and sometimes I think God wants us to stay there. What if those are the places where God speaks the loudest? What if we are running from the one things that will make us whole and what if those are the places where God wants us to live on faith and not lean on our emotions.

According to Hebrews faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see"....so really it's in the moments when we feel hopeless that we are to have faith in what we hope for.....it's the times when we are uncertain of what is unseen that God calls us to stand up and believe in him and keep hoping. Not that sureness and certainty in God always makes us want to dance and smile but it does keep us rooted deep down to an anchor that does not move with the shifting sand of this life. It is a hope that is both sure and steadfast (Heb. 6:19)and a hope that rises in the darkest of circumstances. It is the kind of faith you draw from when a loved one dies or you feel like the bottom has fallen out....it is the truth that is like joy rising within us when the future is impossible to look at with hope. This joy may not lead us to laughter...it actually may be more likely to appear when tears are streaming down our faces or we are holding a friends hand from a hospital bed....or when we reach out to a friend only to find emptiness. (Ps 25:5)"guide me in your truth and teach me,for you are God my Savior,and my hope is in you all day long"

All day long my hope is in you. If our hope is in anything or anyone else we will surely be lost on our dark and twisty days but with our eyes on the Faith giver we can find joy....joy that knows God is in control for the good of those who love him (Rom.8:28).

Here's a song I've been encouraged by today.

Cover me, cover up my tears
Cover up this man who's covered up in fear
I need a peace of mind, I need a piece of you
To cover all that's gone and everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me, then you hold me

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
And every single breath I breathe...Cover me

You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me then you hold me
I want to shed this skin
You unveil me with your mercy
You unfold me, then you hold me
You unbreak me, would you take me home

Sneechy, Sneeches

Last night our worship minister sat all 250 of us down (orchestra and choir) and shared this Dr. Suess story about Sneeches and how we tend to think one way is better than others, in regards to worship style. He related it back to music styles and preferences and talked about how we all have different tastes….he went to Philippians 2 about thinking of others as better than ourselves and serving them and making them better……I especially related because I’m in a 5 person horn section and am probably the worst player but they all loved having me and help me out a lot………. Anyway, thought you would enjoy this little youtube clip.

Hope your holding onto Jesus on this ride!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sh1qWZWNGGE

The Gypsy's Name is "Maria"

As I pulled up my chair next to the Gypsy lady I saw that she wasn't reading her notes. I wondered if they were the English ones so I offered her a Romanian version. She said no thank you and that's when I thought about the possibility that she couldn't read. I later found out that the lady they called "The Gypsy" was named Maria. She couldn't speak English but I was amazed by her desperate need for God. She had traveled many hours to our retreat. We came to learn that most of the south side of Romania is very poor and filled with many Gypsy's. (Did you know they are descended from India?) Most of them have very large families and children and struggle to put food on the table. However, Maria was not just living among them as a poor mother and wife she was also the wife of a church planter. She had a desire to minister to the women of her village and surrounding ones with the limited means she had. She was one of the recipients of the free massages one of our team members was offering. She had won this prize by randomly being given a blue ball point pen. As she came to her massage she revealed wounds on her stomach from an intensive surgery she was recovering from. You would have never known she was carrying around such physical wounds. However, it was clear she had deep wounds from the life she lives out there in her own barren land. After her massage she clutched her blue pen and asked if there was another one she could have for her daughter. This pen seemed like the biggest and best prize she had ever had. Cheryl asked her how many daughters she had and she said "5". Cheryl reached in her bag and found exactly 4 more blue pins and as she handed them to Maria you could tell she was so touched and excited to bring gifts home to her children. Maybe she was holding onto the hope that her children would rise above her to learn to read and write. As the retreat ended I packed up and went to the lobby to meet our team. I was so proud of how I had packed for a 3 day trip and fit it all in my back pack with my sneakers clipped to the front. As we left I saw Maria get up from a couch with all her possessions wrapped in a hankerchief. She had a couple of containers with liquid in it (probably for their journey) but as I said good bye to her tears began to fill my eyes. She had so little in her hands to offer the Lord and yet she was going back to impact her community with the "fish and bread" in her hands. I was challenged to think of what was in my hands...what resources has God given to me to offer him? If she had so little and she could still offer it to him....I surely had more. The words of a song came to my mind: "Maybe the last ones are the lucky ones, the ones who've got this whole thing figured out. For when they go looking for something beautiful they go looking from the inside out"....

Romania 09

What an amazing trip we had. The team was a great group of talented women (and a couple of their husbands). As most of you know we went to host/run the first ever Women's Retreat for a group of women from around the country. 15 of them were pastor's wives and the rest were layleaders in their local churches. Most were from very poor means but had rich hearts and stories. One thing I noticed about them was that they were very open and honest about their emotion. I know their lives are very difficult but it seemed like they didn't wear the masks with each other like we do in the states. They openly shared their pain and imperfections in front of each other which only increased the intimacy and healing from the weekend. Before I left my room mate gave me a small, new Bible and told me to give it away to someone. I began praying that I would deeply connect with one person and know who to give it to. Early in the week our team spent a day visiting orphanages in Timasuara. We saw one place that was from the state that had 73 orphans (mostly handicapped) but hte love there was very healthy. We then went to another place taht was run by believers. It was all teenage boys and was run by a guy named Lorenzo who grew up as an orphan and now has a passion to see young men of God raised up from within. I was so touched and instantly went into youth ministry mode. Relating to these teens felt so natural for me and i just wanted to stay longer. Well, later that weekend we headed up to the mountains of Moneasa to start the retreat. None of really knew what to expect but began working with the conditions we had...setting up and preparing our workshops and worship. The first night was freezing...as I curled up wiht 4 blankets and tried to cover my head I smiled and thanked God for bringing me to this place to serve him. Throughout my next couple days I was drawn to a small group of young gals, one of which spoke perfect English and the others just wanted to interact with me. Saturday afternoon we had a block of free time and i went on a hike with this group. There was one girl I could tell was super special. Her name was Gabriella. We couldn't speak much together but we still tried and her and I ended up runnign through the forest together and taking cute pictures at pretty spots. As we walked back to the retreat I asked her friend to explain to me her family environment. Luci began telling me how Gabriella was 22 but had been raised in an orphanage since she was a baby. She was led to Christ by some American missionaries who came to help the orphanage every summer. I was so touched by Gabriella's story and also by our playful connection together. That evening Kristin Beasley talked about our worth as daughters of Christ and told the story of the 10 cow bride (I'll have to tell it to you later). But that night I was feeling so sick with a stomach ache, headache and I swear a fever....I told the Lord he had to do his work b/c I couldn't. As Kristin called me up I was very emotional as i began by asking how many women felt that special to God? There were tears in the eyes of almost every woman as i told my story of abuse, and a marred sense of beauty. I told them my name meant "Princess" and that God had showed me it was true for each of them as well. I really sensed the Spirit's power as woman after woman approached me afterward and told me that my story was their story. Gabriella was one of those woman and she came up by herself and said to me, "Me and you have same Father". She knew that i could relate to her sense of abandonment and pain. The last day I wrote her a card and gave her the little Bible....we both cried as we said good bye but I knew God had used both of us in each others lives.

Never Stop Running

Sunday I was in my 5th Triathlon held in Tempe, AZ. It was a tougher course than I'm used to on the flat terrain of Florida but I had an amazing experience. I always know the run will be the toughest part-it's so mental for me and after swimming and half mile and biking 12 miles through some hills I always have to reach deep to find the determination at the run. I'm not a runner and if you know me you know I never will be. But that doesn't mean I can't run/shuffle (AKA ruffle). I've never been able do the run without stopping and as I hit mile 2 I decided to try to find a pace and stick to it...all the while I'm not really sure I can do it without stopping. So as I'm going I hear the Lord saying things like, "you can do more than you think you can". I started reflecting about the last 6 months of picking up my life as a single girl and moving to the desert to follow the call of God on my life. I thought about all the valleys God had brought me through (and there have been some deep ones). The more I shuffled along the more I realized this race was a metaphor for my life....toward the end of the run we had a steep incline and I slowly passed a few people who had stopped to walk....as I reached the top I started across this big bridge and realized I could see the finish line. I sensed God's Spirit speaking to my heart again, "I knew you could do it...I know more about you than you know about yourself".....I started to hold back my tears and then thought, "what the heck, no one is here" I spent the last quarter mile in complete worship and even sprinted across the finish line. There was no big fan club waiting for me like there is at home but I pulled away and spent a few moments in prayer and gratitude for my life and this awesome season. What a race.....I want to keep running.

I think about VBC and the special family community there. I think a lot of people don’t experience those kind of relationships in their entire life………I’m trying to adjust to big church life. Community is found by attending Sunday school classes (they function like churches) and last night was my first orchestra practice with a french horn someone is letting me us...it was so cool and such a great way to meet people. You feel like you’re a part a family.

They put me in the middle of the horn section so I could hear the right notes (which really helped). Then we practiced all the songs and I held my own playing and was happy bout that. Then out comes 115 vocalists and we go through it all again………I swear I was thinking….we would only do this at Easter at VBC (maybe) and was just blown away by how worshipful it was to play a powerfully loud instrument with all these people leading a larger group of people to the throne. At one point I was watching the prompter screen and singing along and forgot I was suppose to start playing……afterwards the director had us all sit in the pews and did a devotional and then we prayed and broke up for fellowship and desert………….wow, I got to talk to so many people about our ministry and actually knew a few people too.

Sunday is my first day and we have to be there at 7.30-12 noon but it will be fun.

A trip to Daphne's

If there has ever been a day where I knew I was in ministry to the King it was yesterday. I came into the office to a difficult e.mail...you know one of those e.mails that you knew you were going to have to "fix things". I had an appointment to get to across town where I was going to lead a young girl througn her first Bible Study. As I was gathering things for the meeting my cell phone rang and the minute I answered the phone I knew it would change my day. It was a dear friend very upset about her Mom, who was on her death bed. I was so overcome with her pain that it comsumed me but I also knew I had to make it across town. As I drove down Scottsdale Road I couldn't believe the news and hearthache I was hearing from my friend. It was one of those moments where you had no words to console just a shoulder to offer to lean on. I pulled into Daphne's restaurant, prayed with my friend on the phone and finished the call. Just then I realized I had forgotten the Bible Study for this meeting...I took a deep breath and felt so drained by the morning. I prayed out loud, "God, I have nothing left for this meeting but I know you want to minister to this girl today. Would you just do your thing?" I searched the car and found a track of the 4 Spiritual laws. I started the meeting sharing about my friend and how her Mom was dying but she knew where she was going when she left this world. I walked this girl through the gospel and when I got to the part about Christ covering our sin she literally said, "that's beautiful". As her eyes teared up I knew God was speaking to her and I asked her if she would like to accept the Lord into her heart. After asking a couple of questions she was ready and we held hands and said a not-so-magical prayer as God did the supernatural in her heart. I opened my eyes and said, "Happy Birthday" to her......I can't wait to meet with her next week.

When I jumped back in the car and left Daphne's Restaurant, this verse came to mind.
2Cor 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Sweetly Broken

The Lord has been teaching me to let go of all the safe places that I tend to guard and protect. It's a crazy thing to look within yourself and see so much that can improve and change. And yet I know I can't do it on my own. I think our deepest longing in life is to know and be known by others. Ultimately we must do that with the Lord and he slowly teaches us how to mirror that with others. But I guess we are just all so broken and cracked that we hide behind these plastic faces...we can't trust, or be vulnerable or share our true self. Sometimes that's out of fear of not being good enough and sometimes we are afraid of being a burden. But what happened to being in each others worlds? It seems that the world tells us to grow up and be independant and to build a life that does not NEED anyone. But all the while, we are hiding the fact that we do need each other...and really, we want to need each other.

One of my favorite characters on TV is Bear Grylls from "Man vs. Wild". He told a story once of being the youngest person to reach the peak of Mt. Everest. He said he would never do it again and the biggest thing he learned was when he fell into a crevace and was saved from plummeting to his death by 2 friends he was tied into. He said, "I knew then that I needed people and that's ok". Don't we all want to be "tied into" someone when we reach our own life's crevace? Don't we want to be cared about so much that someone would care enough to reach down and risk their life to pull us out? And isn't that what Christ did for us? God teach me to love and be loved....and may I peer into you sacrifice afresh.

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled (Jeremy Riddle)

The Titus 2 Woman

The Titus 2 Woman
Romanian Women’s Retreat
October 16-18, 2009
Taught By: Caye Siller

Titus 2: 3-5 (NIV):
“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,
to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

As women God gives us a standard in this passage to live by.
I. A Titus 2 Woman is an example of spiritual maturity

a. Spiritually mature women are reverent. (deeply respectful)
-Reverence towards God means laying down our family and dreams to embrace His.
"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God , because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." Gen 22:12

-Reverence towards God means understanding where our beauty and worth comes from.
“Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).

-Reverence towards God means treating others with respect and dignity

b. Spiritually mature women are not slanderers
-Are you a part of the problem or the solution?
-Accountability

c. Spiritually mature women are not addicted
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Eph 5:18
There may be pain in your life that is in need of a deeper healing. Only Christ can heal your wounds.

d. Spiritually mature women teach what is good. (of a favorable character or tendency)

-Goodness is taught best by the way we live our life. We must earn the right to teach others by first living a life that is honorable and of good character.

-Character is who you are when no one is looking
Application:
Are you living a spiritually mature life? Circle the area you could most work on.
Reverence Towards God
Laying down your desires, family, dreams
Understanding your beauty and worth comes from the Lord
Treating others with respect and dignity
Gossip
Addictions
Living a life that is worthy of being an example to younger women

We are all on a journey toward these standards God gives us as women. We will always be in a process. The important thing is that you are a woman who is trying to live spiritually mature. If that is you it may be time to begin thinking about adopting a younger woman to minister to.

II. A Titus 2 Woman is a spiritual mother to younger women.
You may be thinking that you could be ready to impact a younger woman’s life but maybe you are unsure about how you would “train” them. Praise the Lord! God gives us the exact criteria in the following passage. Consider this your training manual.
a. Train younger women to love their husbands…and to be subject to their husbands (1 Pet. 2: 1&2) (Eph. 5:21)
-The “younger woman” defined.
-The topic of submission-“man vs. woman’s role”
-Unconditional love
b. Train younger women to love (Philandros/Philos) their children
-Training younger women can simply mean becoming a spiritual mother to them.
c. Train younger women to be self-controlled (restraint exercised over one's own impulses, emotions, or desires) (Gal. 5:23)

d. Train younger women to be pure (free from moral fault or guilt)

e. Train younger women to be busy at home and kind
(of a sympathetic, helpful or forbearing nature)
-an atmosphere of love and safety

The Great Commission: Matt 28:16-20

Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Being a Titus 2 woman is God’s design to help women fulfill the Great Commission. We are to “go and make disciples” or in the word of Titus 2, “train younger women”. Becoming a spiritual mother to a younger woman is a way of participating in God’s genius plan of multiplication.

Your life can be a movement that echoes into the lives of younger woman well beyond the time of your passing.

A Titus 2 Woman Trains Younger Women. Could there already be a younger woman in your life you could begin investing in? Could you write her name in the space below?



Nicole Nordeman “Legacy”
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Wise Quotes from Wise Folks

More Famous Quotes

The Mountain Moon

Last night I was driving home after home group and the full moon was sitting just behind Camelback mountain. It was lighting up the mountain like God’s spotlight….it looked a little unreal. I spent the drive home with the window down just thanking God for the evening. What a powerful night of God’s Spirit just moving mightily.

At home group it was great to see a couple new faces as we started to study the first week of 1 Timothy. It was an amazing study and really cool to see the group understand the depth of our sin and the mercy of God. When we broke up for prayer I was blown away by the vulnerability and community. We all struggle and I was so blessed by some of the girls sharing because it gave the group a chance to really serve them and encourage the places where the enemy wants to gain a stronghold. We all were on the road to Damascus when God appeared to us and turned our life around. The scales came off and we could see……And now we must live for eternal purposes. I’m so honored that God has brought me into ministry here.

An Up S-wing (lessons from a bird)

Have you ever felt like you could see the love of God chasing you every where you went? I've been truly amazed at how God speaks his love into our day if we are looking for it. His love for us is measureless(Eph. 3:14-19). It's crazy to realize that even our galaxy is measurable. We know so much about so many huge things in the universe but God's love is bigger than all that...it's something we will never be able to fully understand or grasp.

The other day a beautiful hummingbird appeared outside my kitchen window. It's wings moved so fast you could only see it's green, shiny, small body and it stayed there for what seemed like a few minutes. I've never seen one in our back yard before but it was right there looking at me. I was speechless because I knew it was the Lord saying, "Yes, I'm here and I love you".

I finally feel like I'm ready to start this new journey....and it only took three months...ha,ha. If you have been reading my blog than you know I have been through some trying times. Since I've been here I've experienced death, a room mates deep grieving of a loved one, a new job and location, hundreds of new people and a sense of the waters overtaking me at times. However, I have also felt the sweetness of my Savior in new ways. Corrie Ten Boom said that, "it's hard to know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have". There have been nights here I've sat in the corner and felt like Christ was the only safe place I had and it forced me to run to him and find him waiting with open arms. He has been my counselor, guidance, friend, hope, provider, and in the words of Carmen "The Champion". And he has proven true!

Ministry is going well and I feel like I know where I am going and what I am doing a little more. I have a small group and girls there I'm focusing on investing in. I have exciting writing, missions and event projects that keep me busy through the week. God has brought me some "seasoned" people to nurture my need for parental figures. I'm starting to feel the rythm here and the heat is even not so bad. I told Mom the other day that it was 107 degrees and she said she didn't even know the thermometer went that high. It made me laugh!

Why?

It is the kind of happiness that grins when things go wrond and smiles thrugh the tears. The happiness for which our souls ache is one undisturbed by success or failure, one which will root deeply inside us and give inward peace and contentment, no matter what hte surface problem may be. That kind of happiness stands in need of no outward stimulus. -Billy Graham


I wish I could explain the depths of heartache I've experienced since I've arrived here in the new mission field God has given me. I can look back now at the months before and see how God was preparing me and strengthening my resolve. But you kind of have to wonder what God is doing with it all.

I stood in our kitchen this Tuesday holding the shoulder of one of my closest new friends here as she wailed from the loss of a dear family member. It was heartbreaking to hear her pain.."Why God? Why does the sorrow of life keep coming? Why do you have to take my family away? Why so much loss? Why us?" I could almost visually see her reaching up for her faith and holding onto a small peg of hope while she was dangling from her trial. I could feel heaven rejoice though, as she spoke through her tears, "But I will hope in you, Lord". I felt my own brokeness so fresh and raw that it was easy to weep with her. And I too was tracing in my head the events of the last 3 months of my own life. I've never experienced more death, change, sorrow and uncertainty so close together. I've never felt so overcome by so many things all at once and I have to ask "why?". Why so close to my new beginning here? What is God doing....?

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing great now and even the small inconveniences feel so minor compared to the valley I've come out of. My mother said I asked so many questions as a child that she started making up answers....I think I always have been wired to need to know, "why". But God often does not provide answers for it all. He just ask's us to hold his hand and try to say, "But I will hope in you, Lord" I've been memorizing these verses and looking for his daily expressions of love....his love is deep.

Eph 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father...I pray that he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, may have power, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

There and Back again!

Henri Nouwen once said, "It is a great illusions of leadership that we can lead people through the desert without having been there ourselves."

I feel like I've been through the desert. The last couple of weeks have been some of the darkest days I have had in a long time. I've experienced death and loss, made a huge life change and haven't felt like I've had a safe place anywhere in the world. I had some evenings I seriously thought about sleeping under my desk...it felt safer than any other place in my world. And the question still remains, "Is God really enough when you feel like you have nothing or no one else?"

At times I have felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion and could not even tell you why I felt like I did. It seemed like I had one foot tied to a weight pulling me deeper and deeper into an abyss. It was real and at times it was spiritual attack. However, from this end I can tell you it was also the Lord showing me the depth of his love. You see, we can't know that depth unless we are desperately aware of our own need of it...until we come face to face with our own basic need to do everyday things. When that is not even possible apart from Christ, you start to cry out in a desperation that is different from a request from someone who has it all together. And what I found at the bottom of my metaphoric sea was that Jesus was down there with me...he felt the weight of it all with me and understands grief and stress and heartache. He even understands my heart when I have no clue what is happening inside me. He knows what I need and where it all ends up. His love for us is measureless...and I have a sweeter view of it after being on the bottom. "Not that I have laid hold of it but I press on".
I wrote this song and thought I'd share it with you.

I hear his voice as I listen to the wind blow through the pines
I hear his voice as I hear the sound of my own broken cry
I hear his voice as I struggle to know all the reasons why
I don’t know but I just feel like I could die

Where are you Lord, you feel so far away
Where are you Lord, I need your touch today
Where are you Lord, Bring me back to you my friend
Where are you Lord, Restore my heart again

I hear his voice as I’m sifting through the darkness of this space
I hear his voice as I strain to see the goodness of his grace
I hear his voice as I try to find new life in this place
When I feel like there is nothing else that’s safe

A Missionary Hero!

I don't know why but death seems to be the theme that is keeping me in a very broken place here. The loss of a good friend seems to make every other difficult thing your going through 10 times harder than it would normally be. And I've resigned myself to feeling like I need to deal with the hard things so I can move on. Sometimes God just wants to keep us in a broken place for awhile...it's not always fun but it can be good. It can be a time to remind us that the end of us is always where God does his best work.

The Christian life is often messy, unfinished and unpredictable. To the untrained heart God often feels like he is leaving us hanging. But to the one who has learned how to listen to his music God is leading us to a place that is with Him and Him alone. We must lean into the pain and stop fighting it. We need to surrender to him our control and need for a plan and let God lead us on His journey. A mature believer can let trust in God from the past echo to hope in him for the future. God wants a surrender of control and our right to expect what is coming next.

God never promised that living the Christian life would be easy....he only said that he would never leave us or forsake us. He never said we would get everything we wanted but he promised that he would give us all that we need. He never guaranteed that he would make all the bad things go away but he did say his plans were to prosper us and not to harm us. As C.S. Lewis said of Aslan, "He is not safe but trust he is good".

Tommy was a hero to me because he lived everyday sold out and on the frontlines of tribal, evangelistic efforts to reach the unreached. He was there for me during some very formative seasons and always saw a missionary in me. He once told me to ask God EVERYDAY where he wanted to use my life. That's the way he lived and it's an inspiration to me...even during the deep sadness of his loss.

"Oh the wondrous cross, bids me come and die and find that I will truly live"

For more information copy and paste this link:
http://www.water.cc/2009/05/07/remembering-tommy/

Ripple Makers

When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. (Simon Birch).

Loss and grieving seem to be something that you can't put in a box or bottle up or schedule in the palm pilot. It just hits you unexpectedly at different moments and for different reasons. One thing is for sure...it really makes you think about eternity. To know someone's reality is no longer here because it is there just makes heaven more tangable.

I really had a sweet time going to Florida for Jeff McCay's funeral. I got to see all the kids and visit with Liz one morning. They are all so strong and it blows my mind how they are now possessing the faith that Jeff had during cancer. It's hard to believe he's not on the earth anymore. But the service was incredibly worshipful and it was great to see so many people who had been touched by his life in some way.

Our lives are really like ripples you know. I don't think we get to see the effects in big tidal waves very often. Sometimes it's easy to feel like we are not making any difference at all. But the impact of one life in the waters of peoples lives creates movement like a ripple effect that continues to move forward. Jeff created ripples and inspired me (very firmly at times) to make big leaps of faith toward God's work. May we all live to be ripple makers....greatness is often found in the mundane everyday part of life.

Birthday Blog!

So inquiring minds have asked how my Birthday was. It was this Thursday, May 7th and as the day approached I knew it was going to be a day I missed home. So I asked a friend to fast and pray with me the day before my birthday. My hope was that it would help me focus on the Lord and the life he has giving me. Well, I awoke at 5 am on my Birthday thinking about Jeff and the family. I couldn't sleep so I got up. I was tired most of the day but the GRM team took me to my new favorite place called "Jason's deli" for lunch. Alyssa got me carrots, socks and some cool foot cream for after workouts. Kristin got me a dolphin figurine to remind me of Florida. The day was niether great nor horrible. I was tired though and was a little homesick as I drove home and listened to the VBC youth group sing happy birthday on my voicemail. I miss the students a lot. It's funny because out here I'm starting to get a reputation of "that girl who worked in youth ministry".....As most of you know I'm not wired to spend the day in an office but right now God is establishing a relationship base that will just take time. I spend much of the day in a cubicle writing material and working on projects and missions trip plans. It won't always be like this but the people here think it's funny when I start throwing things over my cubicle (carrots, silly putty, etc.). I actually don't mind the reputation because I was brought here to reach younger women and that's what God has gifted me at. So don't worry, I'm not changing for anyone.

Anyway, I went home and checked the mail and found about 8 cards that made me so happy. I got all sorts of cards from family and friends and I think God kept us from checking the mail till that moment so it would really lift my spirit. I then went to our firs identity class called "Who do you think you are?". Kristin is teaching it and I'm absorbing it for a newer generation of delivery. It will be taught every Thursday (2hrs) once in the am and once in the pm. To my surprise they had also thrown a little party for me where they got me this tart dessert with strawberries and cookie crust and blueberries. Perfect. There was even a balloon and a gift (cool smelling lotion).

After the class I got home to find my room mates had a little party for me. They got me a cupcake and I blew it out. They got me a box full of little things I like (dried fruit, kettle corn, trail mix, face scrub,and a hiking book). I felt very loved as they prayed for me before bed. So all those who love me and wanted to know about my birthday.....just know there are people here that are loving me too........kind of a surprise, I know but it was a special day and I'm greatful for 31 years of God's grace.
Love ya,
Caye

Jesus is my Friend!

So I just became a fan of "Jesus" on facebook (FB). As I clicked on his face I thought...."how crazy is this?" And yet what a great reminder that 'Jesus is my friend'. And yes, I'm a fan of his but he is a much bigger fan of me. He made me and crafted me with gifts, passions and even longings that can only be fulfilled by Himself. "We love him because he first loved us". And I'm so glad he first loved me because he has drawn me into an incredible adventure in this life. He has given me the "Abundant Life" (John 10:10). And I can't imagine living without the purposes he has given me in serving him.

Up On the Mountain
This weekend I rode my bike up the steepest mountain in the area. It's called "South Mountain". It's 6 miles up and 6 straight down. Now being a Florida girl I'm not so familiar with mountains but I did do a lot of spinning and we simulated mountains. I was using parts of my bike I've never used before (like the lowest gear). The first couple miles were torture as I tried to figure out how one proceeds up a mountain on a bike. But I was so inspired by the challenge that I kept saying "Caye, you can do this". I quickly figured out that I needed to be in a low position, a low gear and I needed to keep a constant cadence in my pedal stroke. I was only going like 6 mph but I was making progress. At one point there was a little chipmunk in the road on the other lane. I had never seen a chipmunk before but I swear he was taunting me. He was hopping right next to me, in the same direction and he was going AS FAST AS I WAS. I smiled as I imagined him saying the words in a chipmunk voice, "Alvin, Simon, Theadore". It must have taken around 1 hour but as I began the ascent down I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman sing:

I said I'd go, Lord, wherever You lead
For where You are is where I most want to be
And I can tell we're headed for the valley
My faith is strengthened by all that I've seen
So Lord help me remember what You've shown me
Up on the mountain

I can't tell you the worshipful time it was cruising down mountain with those words. Of course, I was desperately clutching my brake as well:) But it was beautiful scenery that I could have only enjoyed by first going up the mountain. Sometimes it's so much harder seeing the summit on the way up. But we have to trust that God is leading us there and if we keep pedaling and hearing his voice say, "You can do it".....we will reach the top.

If your on the mountain or in the valley I hope your strengthened by knowing the Lord is with you. And where he is .... that's where we most want to be.

What a great week it has been. We had a GRM retreat up at the Beasley's cabin 2 hours away. We spent a lot of time casting vision and making overall goals and plans. It's amazing to think about femaile leaders in other countries and what they may need. We want to know the final product of where we are leading them and to see everything we do fitting into that process. Discipleship is truly a process though and in other cultures things don't always fit in our linear paradigm. We recently got to spend time with a Romanian female leader who is a point person for our next trip in October. She was so fun to be with and had such passion for the women in Arad. We are planning a women's retreat for her key women who help run Mom's groups and also a pregnancy ministry to counsel women about keeping their babies.

This weekend I am at a Josh McDowell conference at SBC (Scottsdale Bible Church). It's great stuff I know I will re-use in teaching others.

Ultimately, I have really sensed God's presence here telling me to be patient. I really can't force things or rush them. And in the absence of deeper community I am being forced to the foot of the cross and Christ is more than enough for me....everyday and every minute. I can see his hand calling me to write about discipleship and so I'm developing a training class that I may someday get to teach to other women about relating to the younger generation.

I have really enjoyed the outdoors here. Biking, hiking, rollerblading, and swimming at Cactus pool for only $2 a session. The air is dry and cool right now and when your working out you feel like you can go so much harder without the humidity.....I have to drink a lot though so I've ripped out my camel pack....I guess I am part camel now.

I visited a church last weekend called SunValley and it was amazing. It is a 35 minute drive but it may be worth it to get involved there.

I am truly greatful to be on this journey and know that he is growing in me more to use for his Kingdom.....may i be faithful to his call.

My pastor from back home wrote an e.mail today telling me that this bamboo shoot I gave him from my office happened to be sprouting all over the place. That would not be a big deal to blog about except this thing has never grown since I've had it. I watered it and then it would just stay the same. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard it was sprouting way back in Venice during my first week of work here at GRM. Could it be that it's God's way of encouraging me that there is all sorts of new growth happening for Caye Siller? I also thought of that plant in the movie E.T. and how it was connected to the life of ET. I hope that gives you a good laugh. I don't think that bamboo shoot is connected to me but it sure is true that there is all sorts of new life for me right now.


Cool God Story:
I was asked to lead a devotional for our Board Meeting today. I talked about “Chasing the Son!” and the concidence of my theme song being about the death of Christ (Yes, I will” was on my farewell order)…..Well here I am chasing the Sun to AZ and my first week of work happens to be the Passion week before Easter. Talk about weird? So then well into the meeting I give an update on my support. The book keeper here re-did my entire support needs and made all these fancy total boxes. Turns out my math was off (big surprise). Based on my needs in the budget I was only short 133.58 in order to be at 100%. Now that really is a small amount considering I thought I needed around $2000 more. I saw it as God’s provision though and as I was sharing one of our board members asked why there was still $133.58 left? I said, well I still need that much but it really was a blip compared to $30,000 that God has provided. We all laughed and in the laughter I said, “But hey, if anyone wants to make a contribution to make me 100% feel free!”. That same lady chimed in and said, “I think I will, Caye”. Of course my heart, was so greatful as she whipped out her checkbook in the middle of the board meeting and gave me the final amount. I later found out that this same week the VCS 3rd grade class also raised around $200 from a bake sale. Thank you guys! So here I am “Chasing the Son” and he has truly met all my needs.

Update from Phoenix

I feel like it's been a month since I left Florida but it's only been a week. One of those weeks where every day feels like it's own chapter, ya know? We traveled through to Baton Rouge the first day then to Ozoma Texas the next. The last day was only suppose to take 8 hours but the winds were really strong and took my topper and kept pushing the car around. We could only go about 65 most of the way....it took 15hours. After unpacking a couple of days Mom and I took a trip to Sadona. It reminded me of the Grand Canyon and was very beautiful. (If you double click onthe pics to the left you will get re-directed to my picasa album with comments on the pics.) After Mom left on Monday it really sunk in that I was here and very far from my comfort zone. I decided the best thing to do was to get busy with ministry. Today is my second day here in the Greater Reach office. I have loved being here and getting organized. Today Kristin Beasley and I went to lunch and just caught up. I was able to share some personal concerns with her that I would only trust with someone I knew well. So far there is much being discussed and worked on. The big one has been getting my support checks coming in. (I've saved it all till I was able to start). The book keeper here re-did the entire spreadsheet of my support and found that my numbers were a little off. I AM ACTUALLY 99.9% RAISED IN MY SUPPORT! Can you believe it? All my needs are met and I'm stoked. Praise God and thank you.

Some future events on my calender:
Thursday: Board meeting (this is where big decisions are approved)
Sunday: Spend Easter at the Beasleys
April 20-25: Attend a professional fund-raising school for promoting the ministry and my personal skills.
April 23: Spend 2 days with our contact from Romania planning our trip in October.
April 27-29: GRM Team Retreat to talk about big ideas in a cool mountain cabin
May 7th: My Birthday....I just added that for posterity

The Big Move

Just wanted to share last minute details with you. I’m leaving for Phoenix this Monday (March 30th) to begin my missionary journey. The time has finally come and I am so ready. It has been an emotional week of saying good byes. I think one of the hardest things will be making new friends who know me inside and out. It’s hard to start over in that way but I think it will also come with huge blessings.

I want to thank all those who have encouraged and supported me during this fundraising season. I’m at about 94% raised which is great for what I need right now.

A really amazing story for you:
I went to get my oil changed for the 33 hour trip to Phoenix (we are taking hotels in the nights-don’t worry).

But I found out that I had to get new brakes put on the front of my car. It was about $200. As you know moving your life is not cheap and I’m working within a budget. When I found out I prayed about it and actually surrendered it to the Lord. There was a moment of victory where I really felt God saying, “I really am going to provide for ALL your needs. Do you believe me?”. I really did believe and trust and went in this morning and dropped off my car. When I came back to pick it up I laid the money down on the counter and Jim Masella pushed it back to me and said, “someone came in and anonymously paid your bill”. I was in awe of God and a little speechless. I said thanks and got back in my car. As I drove off a song was playing these words, “Greater things are yet to come”. I had to pull over as I was overcome with worship of God and how I felt him saying, “this is just the tip of the iceburg for you”. He is our safe place and he trully is my best friend and security.

Please pray that I hold onto him when it gets hard in these next few weeks. Also, pray for safety and a smooth trip (i.e. we don’t get lost, the topper stays on and nothing breaks:).

Psalms 131:2
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

My soul truly is quieted within me. The Lord has been so clearly granting me strength. He is giving me courage in the midst of fear and faith to press forward. So the time has arrived to pack up and ship off. I spent the day today packing up my room and taping up the last stack of boxes to ship. I think the hardest part is saying good bye to friends and family. But I know God will provide once I get out there. We leave on March 30th for the three day trip across country. Please pray for Mom's health, for the car to hold up and for us to worship him in the process. I really appreciate your prayers.

A Faith Builder

Support is going well. I have almost $27,000 and the goal is around 37,000. However, I’ve proposed to lower it by taking off some ministry funds just so I can get out there and build a new support system. So I’m at around 75% but if these changes are approved I could be close to 85%.

This week has been very busy. I met with one family Monday (who committed 15 per month) and Tuesday was a real challenge. I met with friends I hadn’t seen in 8 years. I thought they were thriving in their faith. I arrived to realize they have denied their faith and it was a long night of conversation about the inerrency of the Bible. I have felt a little drained.

While driving to the church today to copy some DVD’s I was praying, “God, this really is ministry what I’m doing but I often feel like I’m not seeing the results from your hand….show me what you can do. I feel like I can try and work but unless it’s your power nothing will happen.”

Then, I walk in the door of the church and bump into someone I’ve been trying to contact. I said, “I’d love to meet with you and your wife and share about GRM”. He said, let me save you a trip. He basically said he believed in my life and wanted to invest in me. He just came to me (I didn’t do anything) and he said he wanted to give $1000 in the first year. “Would that help you?”, he said.

Wow. Is God amazing or what? I had to just laugh a little at myself and my tendency to think I can do this alone.

Just thought I’d let you know what was happening and a cool story that grew my faith. Keep praying. Prayer is truly my lifeline these days as I know it moves the heart of God. I want to not just “knock and let the door be opened”…..I want to pound the door down in repitition and let God “pour out so much blessing that I will not have room enough for it (Mal.3:11).

Facebook

My Farewell

What an incredible evening. It is always a little awkward thinking of people telling you how much they appreciate you. But last night was a little glimpse of heaven for me. I don’t know how many were there but it filled the sanctuary. They surprised me by inviting our old worship minister(John is now my brothers father-in-law) to come lead worship with our new worship minister (that I recently helped find)….When our church split I had a dream one night that our entire church was together again in that room being led in worship by John.……I had forgotten about it till that moment and felt like it was a fulfillment of that dream. I was overflowing in praise as the church sang together the words: “Every blessing you pour out, I’ll turn back to praise”. I truly want God's blessings to be turned back into worship for his Kingdom.

The testimonies were amazing….one of the most encouraging parts was that I felt like some people and parents articulated a glimpse of what I’ve been striving for through the discipleship relationships God has given me. If others could see that and pass it on it really could change the world…..

It was also incredibly humbling to hear how God has used me to touch people's lives in ways I never really knew.

They played pictures to a few songs….one being “Goldie’s last day” by PFR (Goldie is my official first name). And I received a book of encouragment notes that I will treasure. Over a period of two days God raised over $1700 in gifts from others. Friends here are struggling from the economy but that is not our enemy. Our enemy this year is the "Great Serpent" and he does not want us to believe God can do big things. The battle is already won!

Anyway, my family was there….my brother cried and my mom's presence was special and even a little funny……..I felt like Kristin and Fred Beasley (new ministry partners) got to see and feel and understand me at a whole new level…..as well as VBC understanding them and the GRM mission.

At the end of the night they presented me with a new guitar (mine had been broken from ministry a few months ago). I just about lost it as I looked at this instrument. Despite being humbled, I felt like the old guitar was sacrificed on the alter of service and that this new shiny one represented a whole new chapter…..it’s an Ibanez with all the additions…..Wow! Today I took a pick and played the song: "Never Underestimate My Jesus" by Relient K. It filled me with faith and this guitar will always be a reminder of the love of my VBC family.

Thanks for your support. If you couldn’t be there, your absence was felt but I wanted to fill you in on a special evening. What an honor to serve our King!