Why?

It is the kind of happiness that grins when things go wrond and smiles thrugh the tears. The happiness for which our souls ache is one undisturbed by success or failure, one which will root deeply inside us and give inward peace and contentment, no matter what hte surface problem may be. That kind of happiness stands in need of no outward stimulus. -Billy Graham


I wish I could explain the depths of heartache I've experienced since I've arrived here in the new mission field God has given me. I can look back now at the months before and see how God was preparing me and strengthening my resolve. But you kind of have to wonder what God is doing with it all.

I stood in our kitchen this Tuesday holding the shoulder of one of my closest new friends here as she wailed from the loss of a dear family member. It was heartbreaking to hear her pain.."Why God? Why does the sorrow of life keep coming? Why do you have to take my family away? Why so much loss? Why us?" I could almost visually see her reaching up for her faith and holding onto a small peg of hope while she was dangling from her trial. I could feel heaven rejoice though, as she spoke through her tears, "But I will hope in you, Lord". I felt my own brokeness so fresh and raw that it was easy to weep with her. And I too was tracing in my head the events of the last 3 months of my own life. I've never experienced more death, change, sorrow and uncertainty so close together. I've never felt so overcome by so many things all at once and I have to ask "why?". Why so close to my new beginning here? What is God doing....?

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing great now and even the small inconveniences feel so minor compared to the valley I've come out of. My mother said I asked so many questions as a child that she started making up answers....I think I always have been wired to need to know, "why". But God often does not provide answers for it all. He just ask's us to hold his hand and try to say, "But I will hope in you, Lord" I've been memorizing these verses and looking for his daily expressions of love....his love is deep.

Eph 3:14-19
For this reason I kneel before the Father...I pray that he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, may have power, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

There and Back again!

Henri Nouwen once said, "It is a great illusions of leadership that we can lead people through the desert without having been there ourselves."

I feel like I've been through the desert. The last couple of weeks have been some of the darkest days I have had in a long time. I've experienced death and loss, made a huge life change and haven't felt like I've had a safe place anywhere in the world. I had some evenings I seriously thought about sleeping under my desk...it felt safer than any other place in my world. And the question still remains, "Is God really enough when you feel like you have nothing or no one else?"

At times I have felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion and could not even tell you why I felt like I did. It seemed like I had one foot tied to a weight pulling me deeper and deeper into an abyss. It was real and at times it was spiritual attack. However, from this end I can tell you it was also the Lord showing me the depth of his love. You see, we can't know that depth unless we are desperately aware of our own need of it...until we come face to face with our own basic need to do everyday things. When that is not even possible apart from Christ, you start to cry out in a desperation that is different from a request from someone who has it all together. And what I found at the bottom of my metaphoric sea was that Jesus was down there with me...he felt the weight of it all with me and understands grief and stress and heartache. He even understands my heart when I have no clue what is happening inside me. He knows what I need and where it all ends up. His love for us is measureless...and I have a sweeter view of it after being on the bottom. "Not that I have laid hold of it but I press on".
I wrote this song and thought I'd share it with you.

I hear his voice as I listen to the wind blow through the pines
I hear his voice as I hear the sound of my own broken cry
I hear his voice as I struggle to know all the reasons why
I don’t know but I just feel like I could die

Where are you Lord, you feel so far away
Where are you Lord, I need your touch today
Where are you Lord, Bring me back to you my friend
Where are you Lord, Restore my heart again

I hear his voice as I’m sifting through the darkness of this space
I hear his voice as I strain to see the goodness of his grace
I hear his voice as I try to find new life in this place
When I feel like there is nothing else that’s safe

A Missionary Hero!

I don't know why but death seems to be the theme that is keeping me in a very broken place here. The loss of a good friend seems to make every other difficult thing your going through 10 times harder than it would normally be. And I've resigned myself to feeling like I need to deal with the hard things so I can move on. Sometimes God just wants to keep us in a broken place for awhile...it's not always fun but it can be good. It can be a time to remind us that the end of us is always where God does his best work.

The Christian life is often messy, unfinished and unpredictable. To the untrained heart God often feels like he is leaving us hanging. But to the one who has learned how to listen to his music God is leading us to a place that is with Him and Him alone. We must lean into the pain and stop fighting it. We need to surrender to him our control and need for a plan and let God lead us on His journey. A mature believer can let trust in God from the past echo to hope in him for the future. God wants a surrender of control and our right to expect what is coming next.

God never promised that living the Christian life would be easy....he only said that he would never leave us or forsake us. He never said we would get everything we wanted but he promised that he would give us all that we need. He never guaranteed that he would make all the bad things go away but he did say his plans were to prosper us and not to harm us. As C.S. Lewis said of Aslan, "He is not safe but trust he is good".

Tommy was a hero to me because he lived everyday sold out and on the frontlines of tribal, evangelistic efforts to reach the unreached. He was there for me during some very formative seasons and always saw a missionary in me. He once told me to ask God EVERYDAY where he wanted to use my life. That's the way he lived and it's an inspiration to me...even during the deep sadness of his loss.

"Oh the wondrous cross, bids me come and die and find that I will truly live"

For more information copy and paste this link:
http://www.water.cc/2009/05/07/remembering-tommy/